taking time for soul building…

My hubby and I have driven a thousand kilometres this week to spend Easter weekend with some good friends – roadtrip! Our kids have all stayed home without us and while it seems envigorating without them, at the same time it feels lonely. We have been enjoying just being able to do what we want, when we want to, but…

You know, I’ve discovered over the past few days, that I can travel a huge distance and still not get away from what troubles me. Despite the quaint B&B, the beautiful beaches, the good meals and the good company, I still found myself overcome with profound sadness last evening. The sort that sweeps over me and just makes me want to sob.

A counsellor and a psychiatrist have both determined that I’m not depressed so how do I deal with this?

I usually take myself off to the quiet of my room and give in to it, but even I’m getting tired of this. I WANT to get over this! I want to move on. I want to not worry about what “might happen” and get on with what “is happening”.

Breast cancer has stolen so much from me. According to the medical specialists, and even other patients, everything is “do-able”. Surgery was do-able. Chemo was supposedly do-able. Endocrine drugs are do-able.

So if this whole thing is so do-able why are so many of us coming out the other side (those of us lucky enough to not have metastatic disease or recurrance) so broken in spirit?

I know I’m not the only one. I’ve read other women’s words at http://www.breastcancer.org and I’ve seen the look in the eyes of the women I met at the Moving On From Cancer session I went to recently. We are mostly all broken in spirit and searching for ways to make ourselves whole again.

I’m hoping that this road trip will leave me a little refreshed. I already love the fact that hubby and I were able to drive a thousand kilometres and are still talking to each other. I love the nail varnish I bought today and the beach walks we have enjoyed.

Happy Easter everyone! May your souls be refreshed.


3 thoughts on “taking time for soul building…

  1. Cancer in My Thirties

    You are certainly not alone, Jenn. I also feel broken — and I’m not sure I will ever be whole again.

    I remember being told that it was do-able before I started treatment. I think it undermined my experience. I felt like I should just handle it because I was supposed to. I found myself being strong for everyone else when I really needed someone to say that it was horrible and that it was okay to be sad. I think it is all do-able only because we have to do it and there is no choice in the matter. But in all honesty, I think it leaves many of us feeling a deep sense of loss, during and after.
    Great post…
    Thinking of you…

  2. The Savvy Sister

    This is a tough one Jenn because we are all individuals and all have our own ways of dealing with and getting through difficult times. Things must be processed in order. No one can “make” you feel whole without going through the steps it takes to get there, but I will tell you “wholeness” can be at the end of the bleak grey rainbow if that’s what you want.

    You need to give yourself time to be pissed, sad, angry, broken, beat up, lost or all of the above. but you can’t live out the rest of your life that way. And I don’t believe you will.



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